'Contracts for crawlers!'

So H comes home the other day proudly brandishing a flyer advertising classical concerts for babies. It's held somewhere in our 'hood, on a Wednesday (when I happen to be off work), and costs ten pounds. Ten pounds!

"So are you going to take him then?", he asks.

"No way - it's far too expensive".

"Ah, but you can't put a price on culture".

"Yes you can', I replied, "and it's under a tenner".

Oh how times have changed. This time last year I would have jumped at the chance, shifting playdates and coffee mornings to shoehorn in yet another class. At one point we did swimming (a disaster every time because like any normal human being he wasn't keen on being submerged incessantly); baby massage, which he loved as he had a major crush on the teacher; Gymboree, for our sins, though I detest its enforced jollity and not-very-subliminal advertising ("Where's Gymbo everybody? That's right, he's in the shop and retails at a very reasonable £19.99!"; Mini Mozart and Monkey Music. Looking at it now, this explains a lot about the state of my bank account and the lines on my face.

A new toy shop has opened up the road, called 100 Acres, which I've so far managed to resist going into. I have perused the list of classes it holds, however, and was amused to see baby Mandarin. I mean, seriously? Mine can barely speak English yet, so I think I'll hold off for now.

One of the best classes we did was the low-key, low-tech Mini Mozart which was held in the dusty old Quaker meeting house. The babies would be mesmerised by the teacher singing beautifully, playing the violin or showing them how a clarinet works. It was fabulous and great for the boy to learn that some people have lovely singing voices (just not his mother, try as I might).

Fair play to the people who run these classes; if I could sing or had followed through with learning the flute rather than getting distracted by boys during my teenage years, I'd be tempted to set one up myself. As my talents are limited to drafting contracts, I think my options are limited. But maybe the pushy mothers would approve of a little light legal training at an early age. Watch out: 'Contracts for Crawlers' and 'Terms and Conditions for Toddlers' - coming to a community centre near you!